September 6th, 2008 Reconstructions from calendars and scribbles in my mind
This is what I remember because this is what I took in consciously. Why? Because I focused on Saturday just now, and remembered that it was going to be a day with Jackson. However, but he ended up going to the beach. I felt crazy all day. I went to Sun and Earth, starving, but ended up eating a chicken sandwich(Mc...yes MICK...yes!!!Uggh) and later two candy bars in one minute. I was shoving down an insanity.I finished cleaning out the apartment while hurricane Gustav winds whirled the sky's coloring from gray to blue to sun and rain all in one sky. My head blistered with energy and anxiety the whole time. I was a black hole and a powerful force myself. I don't remember breakfast. I don't remember having any intentions about food. As much as I have hurt internally, as long as I have worried and thought, I didn't have the strength to reject bad nutrition or bad emotions. I got home and sort of crumpled onto the floor and your kindness eased my psychic pain. Later I felt peaceful.
September 7th, 2008
In reflection I wrote: I let my head fill with noise, noise of emotion, even panic, even worry. Though my hands kept feeling flesh...
I knew I wasn't doing massage work like I could if I silenced my feelings, but sometimes I am not ready to work with a person or their body, and my noise fills up their spaces. I am sorry.
That evening I drank water consciously-'Smart water' at Zelda's writing group at the Daily Grind. I was curious about low surface tension and ions from an article I had read earlier. You said you loved me when I got excited about carrot juice's low surface tension. I love you too Joe. The Tom Suiss factor theorized that ions cause water to have a low surface tension because it pulls apart the water molecules. I was happy to hear this idea because water with a low surface tension is absorbed better. And since carrot juice has low surface tension, this makes it really good for dehydrated people. A good day.
Full Disclosure on the good and bad of days. Desire is not meeting actuality for food consumption and good thought production. Like only a raving mad animal human can, I have been denying my better nature and flogging myself like a good Augustinian monk, a cicatrice of dog teeth around my thigh drips blood of sacrifice in my psyche, but my body has had free reign of it.
Negative: I have been drinking coffee, eating sugar, pizza all the time, meat indiscriminately and only rarely consuming beets. Why? There is a viciousness that grabs hold of me at least and refuses to remember the things that were learned. Even though I know that simple changes could bring peace to my body and mind in a matter of forty-eight hours, I patently refuse to change. I think I am addicted to somethings about life that are unnecessary and harmful. And since I have not bothered to catalogue the coffees, the mornings, the moments, the turmoil, the enjoyments of the past week I am in a state of undigested foulness. I look back and forth through the weeks like pages and I look at the journal of my memories and think one long scream.
Positive: I made a salad of beet greens, spinach, beet, tomato, corn, pepper jack, pepperoni, balsamic vinegar, black pepper while you cooked spicy marinara chicken over angel hair. I don't remember our conversation at the moment.
But because I still am choosing the bad for the simplest reasons that bring human beings together, I still have to be thoughtful more frequently. The company of nutritiousness and pleasant conviviality must be remembered and strong-armed into my life. Look at this mess!! This blog is now self pity instead of consciousness. What have I learned?!!!!
According to Dr. Walen of the BodyImage Center in Baltimore, people need to have cognitive therapy so that they can find better ways to handle their negative emotions, rather than eating. Now I carry TONS of negative emotions. I generally carry a lot of thoughts from working on other bodies, but I have been carrying plenty of my own lately. Also I am not sure that eating a pancake breakfast with bacon together constitutes hiding from relationship issues. I mean, we talk about everything! I think I have my own issues about creativity within a relationship. I mean, how to get massive balls rolling in my life that roll around in my head all the time. I am really good at remembering to encourage others, but I find that my poetry manuscript can bounce around from bag to car to shelf for weeks and even adding it to the 'list' helps little. Whatever creativity I am hiding in food consumption, let me learn to be manifesting constantly food thoughts, and emotions that help.
TTYL Emma P.
