Etiology
Teleology
Weaving
Etiology of los malpasos, Oaxaca, January 2008
Teleology
Weaving
Etiology of los malpasos, Oaxaca, January 2008
I didn't know what was happening to me. I had been suffering. Even in Oaxaca, home to chocolate, tequila, textiles and good coffee, I had abstained from all alcohol and coffee for three weeks in early 2008. Martha Castellaño, a gruff and odd woman who ran the house I stayed in would prepare me a plate of guayaba, melon, and papaya and a cup of warm milk in the morning. She had decided that I had "malpasos". My skinny body could only come from a lack of food at the appropriate times. There was no doubt in my mind that I had indeed, some sort of malpasos.
~~Bad times, bad bits of goings on had some part in my dis-ease. I had diagnosed myself with a possible ulcer; the hollow sensation of loneliness aching into the physical plane. I thought to walk to the pharmacy with my roommate Jessica. There I read up on Amoxicillina and ulcers in the flip book. Antibiotics are over-the-counter in Mexico. I read enough to know what dosage was appropriate and got myself a pleasing box of tablets. They didn't work.
~~~When Joseph returned to Mexico that summer, I had many things planned and remember I saw Twelfth Night, and went to a great Zelda' writing workshop at Fraziers just that weekend he left. I had plans to go to a Roller girls event with a friend. I had been balancing on the edge of feeling ill. Saturn in Virgo was inhabiting my digestion. I went wearing a neat little dress and boots. I felt the golden light of the cafe smiling, but I felt my insides like a hollow ache. Still, I ate the greasy fries. A boa constrictor tightening the solar plexus acutely.
~~~I diagnosed myself with Gallstones then(read more here about that night.) That fall I had a sonogram and an Md. verify this diagnosis.
Teleology for the exploration of food and emotions
I have many tools to heal, and experiences to put into practice.
I have tried to capture the emotions and the foods that I have taken in for the last three years. But slowly the dawning thought that the emotions need training from mental efforts beyond the simple gesturing of a wish. This is an inner path that opened up slowly. Believing that I was reflecting enough, I did not bother to reflect as much anymore. A Niezschean quote came to mind just now.
"Believing that they possess consciousness, men have not exterted themselves very much to acquire it."
If I could not change emotions by food alone and thus cure myself of illness, I decided I must find a natural path to health beyond food. By natural path, I meant one that took into account that food might be curative if there was willpower to only consume good food. I was weak in some ways. This is nature. I had to regain possession of my own body through mental means as well. I had long since allowed my mind to emote, to fulminate, to grow full of spite, or to burn without action. I had been denying the mind's role in healing. So I slowly turned toward a spirit of practice to handle this inner energy that wasted in me, and which bruised my muscles, and diseased my organs. I decided I would seek good mental food because it would be nourishing and was my end or my telos.
I have tried to capture the emotions and the foods that I have taken in for the last three years. But slowly the dawning thought that the emotions need training from mental efforts beyond the simple gesturing of a wish. This is an inner path that opened up slowly. Believing that I was reflecting enough, I did not bother to reflect as much anymore. A Niezschean quote came to mind just now.
"Believing that they possess consciousness, men have not exterted themselves very much to acquire it."
If I could not change emotions by food alone and thus cure myself of illness, I decided I must find a natural path to health beyond food. By natural path, I meant one that took into account that food might be curative if there was willpower to only consume good food. I was weak in some ways. This is nature. I had to regain possession of my own body through mental means as well. I had long since allowed my mind to emote, to fulminate, to grow full of spite, or to burn without action. I had been denying the mind's role in healing. So I slowly turned toward a spirit of practice to handle this inner energy that wasted in me, and which bruised my muscles, and diseased my organs. I decided I would seek good mental food because it would be nourishing and was my end or my telos.
Weaving the health knowledge
The influx of psychic food and psychic digestion is part of the nutriment principle. I did not change myself exactly from that realization. I spent December wondering why I drank too much on a night when I would have rather choreographed a group of people to come in and dance my poetry. I drank and ate delicious food. Salmon Tiki Masala from Al Akbar and a half a carafe of wine. This was not essentially terrible, but even at the 14 K Cabaret, I continued with the wine and beyond to the Depot dancing. The lack of grace was clear to me the next day. I needed to be more balanced with influx of opportunity. It should not overwhelm me.
1) I learned about using sage for cleansing in 2002 from the Piscataway indians during a Sundance ritual dance for warriors
2) I have been aware of yoga poses since 2000 when I took some form of Anusara yoga involving twists and inversions in Federal Hill, MD and took Hatha yoga in Edgewater, MD in 2001. Since incorporating those poses I have never forgotten them. I have a very good memory for static postures. I had found that my foray into Bikhram Yoga in Hamden in 2009 recalled to mind a plethora of balancing poses from Hatha Yoga.
3) Knowing most of the muscles of the body and their actions by their latin names from massage therapy school and from teaching anatomy and physiology to students when I taught a massage therapy program, helps.
4)A chance wandering into a store in the mall during Christmas led me to find a necklace of a hindu symbol the "vishuvajra" or crossed thunderbolts. This present for Joseph was curiously inspiring. I looked up the uses for this symbol and the deity associated with it.
5) I had been seeking a way to take a yoga class for awhile. I thought of Baltimore Yoga Village but there was always something stopping me from going there. I did not want to begin in an intro class. I needed something besides the community hot yoga at Charm City. There were great memories from the classes that I took but what I was looking for was a place that had strengthening and spiritual growth explicitly linked. Setting the intention to take a yoga class that explicitly was communal and working toward growth was very meaningful. I found a class at Minas gallery that had this aspect and it is really vibrating me toward new goals.
6) Although I finished a graduate school application to study a M.A. in Arabic starting next fall 2011, I truly was uninspired to continue on a path that was not alive for me yet. I relinquished two old paths that had never unified, being a massage therapist and studying Arabic as an academic. Knowing that I could do something new opened up energy for myself. I had been coming across a Carlos Casteñeda quote for almost a year in various sources....
"Does this path have heart?"
This is how I am answering this question...
