Soooo....I really like my legs in the dress I was wearing last night. But bent over in the Rite aid parking lot with my finger down my throat trying to expel the greasy french fries that are seemingly radiating barbs of pain into my back, the legs are less important. I would rather gain weight. ((I am not bulemic. Watch the hilarious Life With Gallstones...video in my links section to get the picture.) Only I have some kind of a real pain that feels like a heart attack. My heart isn't racing. I felt for my pulse a couple of times through my panicked worry. My mind raced as we walked down Charles street, and in fact I am suprised at myself for checking my pulse. Apparently I have good instincts.
I ruled out the heart attack and began wondering about the best relief possible. In the Zodiac Restaurant I had gone right up to the kitchen and asked for a shot of apple cider vinegar. Perhaps if I had taken the whole thing it would have helped more. This wasn't good. I got home, lost the rest of the meal, curiously discovering how the uvula really works by feeling it with my finger. Then I took a cold shower, a hot bath, and privately slipped into delerium painlessly. Apparently that is a good time for gall bladder sufferers. This can last up to 15 hours. Not if I can help it!
Let us take a few steps back...and this might hurt. But I make no apologies.
I have to note that I am not blaming anyone for my indigestion. I am simply noting the facts about the feelings I was actually having, in the spirit of truly marking my experience.
I met a friend for an evening of girl-on-girl violence and sport over in Canton. Have to say that it must be fun to play, but is rather less interesting to watch the Roller Girls. As we talked, I found it harder and harder to have any positivity resound about the future, or life. I think Saturn is hitting my friend hard right now and there is only a good slam with destiny waiting for her. I almost bought some delicious looking BBQ tofu from Mama Saray and Brendon who were vending there, but hunger did not kick in and I bought a water instead. If you don't know Mama Saray, you should know that she offers food with soul in it, at various evening or daytime events. It is always better for you than the other stuff.
She is a petite woman with long dreadlocks and a pair of distinct lips and loving eyes. I know a lot of people who don't hug me, but her heart is big. I wish I had eaten her food. Now the thing about the food that I did end up eating fatefully: it was decided upon way back in the moment when I made the decision not to eat until later. My friend, a vegetarian, knows that the falafel is good at the Zodiac. Only when she said "with fries" I imagined myself eating them. Why? I don't really want to eat fries? I didn't imagine what we would be talking about.
Mental note:
You may want to think about what you will be talking about when you eat with friends. You may want to sanctify communal gatherings over food also.
By the time we got over to Charles Village and ordered, I was hungry, but we were talking sort of frantically. I was pissed because I couldn't get her to just stop being so moody and to stop being so negative. (Truthfully I am a bit more impatient with people than I actually say. I feel like friendship can be a celebration of good things as well as admitting that they aren't always good. But at times it is hard to remember to let go of dumb, irritating, details.)
It is fair to be angry some of the time about broken appliances and computer issues and relationships, and in fact, as her friend, I completely forgive the fact that almost everything she proffered about her life is in some state of defunct. Okay. That is not her fault. But as a matter of observational science, the food arrived, and with no ceremony did we begin, chomping and bitching. I can't remember what non-existent entity of most-people we were tearing apart. Oh we talked about the cafe idea; how I want to start a cafe and we talked about the story I am writing about the grandmother who stalks her estranged family in it's decaying, divorcing disarray. She was interested in that. I think I was pretty positive about all the things I brought up. She was trying to write a card for her friend who is leaving town. I was interested in her gift. It was a disjointed conversation altogether though.
I think, in this case, that the feelings I put into my mouth, were ones that I had been shoving down all night; They are as follows:
Do you think I am trashy for being intimate with my boyfriend at night on a golf green in dim halogen pools under a tree at a friends wedding we crashed?
Could you talk about something you love? Please?
Don't you want to be able to talk about your work with guys you meet?
Don't you actually like languages?
ARRGHHH...This isn't fun!!!
I guess I want to be open with friends and I felt like I took in a lot of negativity from her. I have been super negative at times, I know, and for this reason I empathize. But the minute we were done eating, I mean, the second the swallowing stoped, the hurting began. Ouch. I mean. Oh! Damn!
Emergency is defined by such sudden moments where the world shifts.
I ordered a vinegar from the slow waiter. I waited. I looked for the kitchen. I immediately went there. I asked a helpful person to help. He brought me the vinegar. Within minutes I was outside, head down. Pain shooting through my back like sparklers. This brings me to Rite aid, to bed, to peace of mind.
But the remaining thoughts are of my friend. I felt sort of like she didn't actually like me after all. Not that this is true, I am not sure why that feeling came out. She took me home. She bought me pepto and gas x. She admitted to not being very good with compassion. Been there. She had somewhere to be and she went away. Kind of reminds me of when I brought the drug addict to pick up her narc patch. Anyway, what does all this mean to me now?? Everything. Thank you.
This night was extremely vivid and special. She helped me see that I actually have a serious problem beyond emotions simply. I think gall has everything to do with what verve she seemingly lacks at this juncture. Last night a recognizable buzz of disturbed energy penetrated us both, while the possible capping off of life loomed; the height of bitterness' force emanted like a dark entropy from deep within early and recent disappointments in both of us.
I would like to quote Louise Hay on this topic; disappointment and bitterness.
According to Louise L. Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, the attitudes that promote gallstones are bitterness, hard thoughts, condemnation and pride. She recommends this daily affirmation: "There is joyous release of the past. Life is sweet and so am I." Her books are childish, perhaps. But to quote my very favorite mini-non-fiction poet... "Those among us who do not prefer bitterness may remember what our wishes were, the old ones, from when we wished hardest. " JWCrespo,
... childishness is formational. There was much bitterness in the meal that night at the Zodiac; bitterness about people's ways, relationships, life, work, and I didn't have any current bitterness to enunciate so it was mostly her P.M.S finding an outlet. My life seeks joy. Bitterness was once one of my favorite spices, but my earliest wishes are much, much stronger than that!
I truly wish that my friend finds love, that she forgives my candid and public analysis of the meal which led to the discovery that I may have gallstones in need of dissolving. Now carefully I add sweetness to my life, apple juice for a few days. I will be reflecting on good things and looking at my childhood. For good meditations check out Hay and Yvonne Oswald also. I am serious. Louise Hay may be silly, but her understanding is serious, and I may be silly to some for trying to blend the world of food with the world of feeling, but only to know them more deeply. Why shouldn't I remember much, much more of what occurs around me? Why shouldn't I remember much, much more of the private moments that surround a choice to put a particular set of substances in my body? Who are we fooling by racing around in our heads and then "sticking down our necks" thoughtlessly, some thing which will be with us for a while? Let it be clear to anyone who cares about themselves, that medicine begins with accepting life, and, for me particularly, that part begins now.
To activating consciousness surounding meals, and to inviting the attacks that bring on healing!!!
