This is a memory project more and more. To remember my days more clearly is part of my goal. I feel like emotions hijack so much of my experience. SO I start at the nearest food in time and work backwards.
Multigrain cereal and soy vanilla. I ate it while watching the beginning of the listening project.
Coffee with cream and sugar. I thought of Joe. I thought of Mohammed. I was trying to call Mohammed back. He said, " lIsten Emily I have to tell you something." Of course it would be just like him to have nothing important to say. It might be him trying to tell me that I am wrong in some way. His selfishness made me laugh more than once as I walked away and disappeared into the bright crowded colors of Shari Saed Zaghloul, happy to be an American woman who knows her human rights to exist in the light and the dark of the her fullest range of human expression. I found out I don't have itnl calling so I wonder if he is pissed I didn't call back. I drank the coffee pretty fast wondering if it was a good idea. I thought also of Joe saying, "how are you behind that screen?" Of his intended ambiguity. I was wondering if I seem to be opaque today. How he said he loved me, and through the blurred eyes of my natural sight, I could see him catch my blown kiss and hold it to his heart.
Orange Juice-I almost had a cold this morning, my nose had that tingly feeling and stuffiness. I drank the juice and had the coffee and restimulated my wall of walking sickness. I think I did dream some funny things, about a fish and expensive vs. cheap rice, and a classroom and someone leaning over to ask somebody for two cigerettes to which they replied they were their last two
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Last night....Kangen water.living water vs dead water..Jenny massaged my feet...Jason Greenberg prattled about prostitute assasins and his Premptive world's greatest grandad shirt. I took in calcium through my feet? Tomato hummos bread and a moment of silence on something Joe said that resonated in both Robin and Matt. I lost it in my tomato chamber of the heart...I just took in the feeling I got. It was a feeling of paranoia. It was a feeling of an energy. I ate it. The taking in feeling I get is sometimes funny. We have the choice to take in energy don't we. We have the choice to say no. We have the choice to understand someone and we have the choice to ignore them. Mind is, capable of comprehension, but it is an altered state to accept someone's thoughts. So we can say no to comprehension. See, I always thought that getting people to resonate their inner worst fears is a way to let them be. But it is like tripping. So when I see someone swallow this innerness I still see the star imploding.
So I had mushy grape leaves and spicy babaghanoug and a cuke-umber in a garlicky tahini and a bit of falafel. I thought about my silences, about dealing with multiple energies, about the stresses in my body, about what my erotic world is doing, about what is going on inside of Joe... Psychic space has become the Jungle. There are braided yarn rope swings with hordes of children and supramodern indigo virgins with smoky dundalk eyes and disillusioning adonai and sparkling artsy relationships and accomplishments at the speed danger and excitement of a street race down some corridor of potent visibile emotion whipped me on despite this huge unconscious elephant. Saturn is about taking on or letting go in the right amounts. Be sure. We are beside each other, I saw you putting the lamb onto the bread. There was talk about meat. I felt good from the acupuncture and thoughts on TED and AVAM and EVOLVER and Bonnie Besler, and bacteria floral consciousness and thoughts of hormones. I talked about making art around food for the next EVOLVER at Yabba Pot.
So then earlier...I had a flax bar and celery and carroits....and a bit of muffin and coffee with cream(from oN THE Hill) I drove warp speed home from the Hill. I kissed you caffinated. I could not stand the muffin. The muffin was bloated and chewy and sprinkled with the hyperstimulated sugar crystals of a orgasmic heart attack of instinctual anxiety. I could make a better muffin with the taste of grains and berries and mild sweet health. So i will. I will. I will.
That day was good though. I took in REIKI in the teacher's lounge with the music teacher talking about his Lesbian convent of witches. He seems so angry and yet at peace. He does look like he is pacing with a club in his hands. A sort of Scottish lout with a evil desire to DO Justice. Haha. And Marion, with cool brown skin and warm clear eyes. I ate fast. I was nervous. I've been nervous for a while now. My body is still adjusting to a new existance. I didn't eat alot yesterday and yet I wasn't hungry.
I ate a piece of white pizza the night before from John kellogg. He didn't really look me in the eye. He didn't hug me. He just put a song on twice that said, "But don't play with me, cause you're playing with fire." I felt sort of threatened, but maybe he just likes the song. Before that I had been on the train, and before that I had been just drinking water at school and hadn't really eaten anything since my early Wednesday flax bar and its concomittant run down to the train station. I had eaten some bagel/morningstar burger with ketchup sandwich I made. I ate that really fast, chewing, biting rapidly. I had a feeling of intensity again. I even brought a thermos of coffee with me. Everything so fast. Texted a message of distancing to Daniel. He had called the night before and I felt spun. I felt like it wasn't fair for me to have to deal with his thoughts and feelings again. Some friend he was, Some friend I am, but I drank coffee and mused frantically on the best psychic solution. I'd been trying to make some meals for Joe and I, our days just so busy. Tuesday he washed the dishes after I made the chicken and pasta with mushrooms cooked in olive oil with Gavin's purple cinnomony basil and asparagus for him and salmon for me. It was over angel hair. I left it in the stove while I went to pick him up. Tuesday I'd worked, had no lunch. Went home and felt tired. I had done Yoga in the morning and worked at the school. I felt good but still anxious. The morning I probably didn't eat again. OR did I? I did. I ate some morning star sausage. Monday. So long ago...My emotions have been dealing with fear. Looking at my need for fear. It is so pure. It is also based on thoughts during sex. Food seems clear to me. I maybe need to think about what I take in online and in my mind and experiences. I may just need to focus on the ins that I have on the psychic plane. I may be doing battles with friends and acquaintances on a mental plane. These should all be healthy places.
Now about that poetry....
