Today I drank wine at noon. I made a beet strawberry coconut vanilla soy smoothie and ate a flour tortilla with avocado cucumber radishes and a hint of red salsa. The two small crystals of wine fogginess left as the beet did its raw magic. Beetroot is earth's blood. It purifies the sick on contact with the stomach. I swear. If I was too sick to benefit from a beet, I think the earth would have to be telling me that I was dying .
Celeste slept while I cleaned the closet. I can't yet fit into my sizes of 2-6 pants. This basically means I no longer have clothes that fit. Maternity clothes are in the box and there are a few things that I can wear. My head space is growling with paradoxes of love and sexuality in marriage qua women's new realm of development. I picked up Camile Paglia's Sexual Personae and I am reading this so far Nietzschean inspired aesthetics text that calls women "chthonian" creatures. We are fucked wounds of nature. I say We are Lovecraft's unnamable realm of cold winds that tickle fears of being eternally bound. Men have this reational realm of "head-magic" and they created a sky-cult pantheon to excape the earth-magic of our feminine terra-bound power. It is pretty brilliant and I have gummed it all up I am sure since I am blending it into my beet smoothie. Basically I feel well in a ten steps forward kind of psychological trick. I threw some whole grapes into my smoothie. I have to stay sane. You can't tend an infant when you are depressed. So I must drink water and keep lists and exercise. I feel twisted up in the paradox of post-partum realm. Everything you wanted drives you insane. To not have and to hold is to want to have had and held. To desire life is to desire a bit of death. To desire self is to desire images of self. To nourish is still to nourish....this is what I will hold onto. At last!!! A truth!!!!
