I had a stomach problem all last year. Call it Saturn in Virgo returning if you speak astrology. Call it post-abortive trauma if you speak medicalese. Call it 'aging' if you are cynical. Call it. Call it because that is what I am up to; the description of what occurs to a body at work with its 'food'. I was waking up screaming in pain. I was not, 'not facing' my feelings. I was in the meat grinder of my feelings, and they and I were being stuffed in, and jammed down, and expressed all as loosely and madly as dream's seams.
Some days are really good. Some days are a little strange. Tuesday I gave in and ate a tomato, kraft processed cheese slice, and mustard sandwich on white blue-ribbon bread. I ate with Co-workers.
Aside:
We talked about genetics. I want to know how eating affects the composition of the "junk" promotor DNA. It is only mistakes that geneticists note. I wonder about the quality of the information of two identical pieces of DNA. Can an amino acid be weak or strong as well as being exact?
That aside:
I don't think I went so far astray to eat that processed cheese. I processed it with concern for my health. I regretted it though(something to note). Later I ate leftover rice noodles with tomato sauce while I was at work doing massages. I also ate a lot of cherries. I forgot to plan for dinner. I didn't stop for more vegetables. Once I got home an hour later, I broke down into my feelings but I don't like how I handled it. I fed the cats and then I felt so lonely and pissed that I cried about eating green peppers and onions over rice noodles. I wanted something else. Someone near to help me out of feeling so...
I ate:
2 chocolate covered graham crackers
1 bowl of chicken noodle soup(chunky) with six wheat club crackers
2 more crackers covered in chocolate
water.
The fact is. I am not eating so many calories that I am afraid of emotional weight. That would be exactly the problem for someone who is heavy. But for me, I instead gain negative energy and continue negative emotions. This leads to stomach pain. I realize that everyone processes differently. This is my process and I am one human being.
I drank some water and went to bed.
Today I feel like I carried over a bit of sadness from yesterday. I put it into the soup with the heavy dose of black pepper. With this kind of processing I can think about today like a new day separate from the feelings of last night. I can remember to buy fresh fruit and vegetables and to eat with a clear present mind. Although I know feelings will come along, I will be listening to the process and digesting more than just what I choose in the produce section. 'Til soon.
