The green papel picado falls off of the mantel under a sculpted skull. I put a few candy bones from Alice on a chip of marble from some unknown-to-me-masonry job. I gave a few thoughts to dead children. I did not call up or feel the ghosts on Halloween. I spent the week before tearing around in my mind about spending the day with or without you. I had coffee and I ate a muffin on the train and I plunked down a plastic card again a lot lately, feeling free to buy Girl Scout Samoas and Thin mints and a bag of cornmeal and a big greek salad. The salad brought me the even energy I wanted on monday. The weekend of Halloween was immersed in a halo of sleep. It had been put on a rack and stretched by too many plans and suddenly when the days came they had already been lived through pre-cognition battles. YOu slept right through the possibilities of Paco and the kids down in Soewebo. Halloween I turned down the ride in the wagon behind the childrens hayride. I turned down a beer. I waited until I was with you and ready to venture out for a drink. I Had already spent all day being feline. I had already eaten cookies and had coffee. I was already acid laden. Sure I'd had the probiotic source of life cider mixture, but the processed flours sit inside me like glue and plasterboard and often a deep ache like a pancreatic bruise taps against my heart and liver with a soft wailing. I try to put REIKI into my middle and the ache goes away for a bit. The second and third shakras in my field are vitally limp. I feed them with my own hands and guide and protect them, but they keep getting stabbed by the inertia of being the negative energy hole. I have to put really soft light good things into my mouth to counteract this tendency. I am a healer. I will hear anyone's stories. I can listen to openings and hear the old whispers of your fears and memories.
Halloween I drank a guiness. Old flings posted in a few locations were willing to say hello. I watched you to see if you would flower into Elvis COstello for me. You were hoping that the night would flow into such a moment. I danced alone to Cat Power. At the crucial moment you convinced me that there was more to do. We sucked in soft smoke and danced. My heart crashed around through fears and signals and enjoyed a glowing fire between our bodies as the Megadrives churned. I kept playing with the idea that I have any control. And it wasn't about ingestion. The night was about dancing and seeing your face clearly. I felt love. I felt fear. I was returning again and again to the open chakra of my heart, knowing that I am anxious, knowing that unconditional love is still bathing me from the outside, tapping to come in. Healing is the presence of the safe space to be vulnerable. I want to be that safe space for everyone I know.
10/30/08
9/26/08
Wasabi Peas,Hot Wings, Twig Tea and Thee
And I went to sleep again, the taste of the watered down cider in my mouth...I could smell whiskey on the pillow next to you and that is such a rare scent that it only reminded me of my own worst hangover feelings. I could only kiss your cheek and fall back into a few hours of hydrated rest. Skip back to hot wings, eaten with no ceremonious look to your eyes; late night fat is dangerous and I knew it so I took a spoon of lethicin to induce some bile, skip back to a bunch of funny faces and you looked so young in them, like twelve. Laughing, you were sort of letting the cats know you were drunk and you picked each one up to declare this fact, and then you picked me up and told me. It was sweetness. We both had tea and you wanted to go for a walk and instead...
Hot wings Spanish on our tongues, a typed address glanced at in your wallet so-be-it, you are eager to perform and to be taken in by every beauty man or woman straight through the front door of an open heart, to co-exist with me in all of this,we were with "your students"--the black boys who came in on cell phones to get some chicken. I wanted to remember the way it all felt, nervous, wonderful, your arms around me, the umbrella in my hand. I knew we only had to drive a mile home.
My new companion Daniel was in the rain when we left the wind-up space. He looked, as always it seems, critical as he sucked the smoke in and peered through his glasses blinded until our eyes met, which took time. This time he was critical of rain-liking people.
Inside I had eaten wasabi peas mentioning the subjective nature of these kinds of writings, and I have to add all the ingredients quickly so I don't forget, graffiti, copycat smelly charley feet, chromosomes beoming butterflies on Dan's painting, Joey's arm snaking around to hold me to him while Natasha unabashedly grinned, her helpless bangs licking her chin, and his fingers warmed my body through my beige shirt, pulling and possessing in clear language. I could stay watching the scene behind me, like gold sun dancing on turquoise water around her eyes, but my lover's voice echoed calm reassurance moment after moment until I was lulled into hearing only the thoughts of my Sierra Nevada induced loquaciousness and to look only at the grey dusty page of the city paper. This moment I shared with Daniel, who, full of slicing critique, might make a good writing workshop voice actually. I drank only sips when I wanted sips, tried not to punctuate too heavily with glass-raising. Daniel and I agreed that the internal fire is easier to see as a cyclical thing if one has power over it. One does not jump from one's burning building in suicide if one has the sense to see that they are building fires and carrying oily rags around themselves. In the case of David Foster Wallace, the fire was perhaps strong, and not of his making, and hence he joined the ranks of those leaping from the Trade Centers seven years ago, taking his life. Some times, those who make willpower and imagination their strongest suit, still cannot find the next line to write beyond self annihilation. So it goes...I kept turning back to look over at Mike and Joe and the whiskey glasses which my liver declined, save one butterscotch moment when I tried it. MIke from the I.E reading series was pouring out names of poets and their eras, Phyllis Walen,..Alice Notley, he said each name like he knows their mothers and it would be painful not to know them in a lived life.
Joe was writing them down, describing the bookstores of the library district in Mexico City brought back the yellow dusty smell of those places. He is someone who will get the books you recommend Mike. I think Mike understood that he was dropping names like a foreign earthworms into New American dirt. They will insinute their names and times into the vast mind of Joe and he will never forget your friendship Mike, I thought. Open hearts are good for open minds.
Earlier I had eaten a ham sandwich and sun chips, heart racing from just returning from a long drive. I had been at the co-op in the student union, in a nice buzz of a day. Just drank twig tea impulsively. I went in to get a coffee but got tea instead. I was going out to meet Scott for a moment and then off to meet Bassim for colloquial egyptian conversation practice. I heard 'Hi', and then Dr. Morreau stood there with a book on Personal Identity. I looked at the front cover and pointed at the title and said 'Haven't you figured that one out yet?' I felt high from his bizarre energy and sudden presence such as only someone who knows nothing of you can do when they want to know more. I am not so used to being approached. 'I am just getting some tea' I said and he sort of smirked and turned away. Not really polite, just like a ball in a pin-ball machine that hit another doinging red and white flashing light, and was gone.. I think once I had the tea I saw my new friend Henry who had shown me Darwish's "Why did you leave the horse alone?" a beautiful collection of arabic and english poems translated by Jeffrey Sacks and I just enjoyed that tea all the way to the end of my conversation with Bassim and then I called Joe right away, excited to have lived a whole hour entirely in Egyptian. And earlier this morning I had felt a pain in my stomach so severe that led me to tears, but when I loosened my pants I felt it subside and suddenly beseeching allah and llegba was unnecessary. You had made me a bagel with cream cheese and we haven't drunk coffee in days. You called me pretty and kissed me goodbye. I love mornings...I always feel sad to know we will spend the day apart, because your hand in mine is so true and you lift my hand to your lips, but I was so happy to see you sitting in the window sill, our rose tucked inside blooming two orange flowers with your care to protect it from the storm; the first evident feeling that rushed through me when I saw you with your Chilean author and your feet up on the bookshelf.
Hot wings Spanish on our tongues, a typed address glanced at in your wallet so-be-it, you are eager to perform and to be taken in by every beauty man or woman straight through the front door of an open heart, to co-exist with me in all of this,we were with "your students"--the black boys who came in on cell phones to get some chicken. I wanted to remember the way it all felt, nervous, wonderful, your arms around me, the umbrella in my hand. I knew we only had to drive a mile home.
My new companion Daniel was in the rain when we left the wind-up space. He looked, as always it seems, critical as he sucked the smoke in and peered through his glasses blinded until our eyes met, which took time. This time he was critical of rain-liking people.
Inside I had eaten wasabi peas mentioning the subjective nature of these kinds of writings, and I have to add all the ingredients quickly so I don't forget, graffiti, copycat smelly charley feet, chromosomes beoming butterflies on Dan's painting, Joey's arm snaking around to hold me to him while Natasha unabashedly grinned, her helpless bangs licking her chin, and his fingers warmed my body through my beige shirt, pulling and possessing in clear language. I could stay watching the scene behind me, like gold sun dancing on turquoise water around her eyes, but my lover's voice echoed calm reassurance moment after moment until I was lulled into hearing only the thoughts of my Sierra Nevada induced loquaciousness and to look only at the grey dusty page of the city paper. This moment I shared with Daniel, who, full of slicing critique, might make a good writing workshop voice actually. I drank only sips when I wanted sips, tried not to punctuate too heavily with glass-raising. Daniel and I agreed that the internal fire is easier to see as a cyclical thing if one has power over it. One does not jump from one's burning building in suicide if one has the sense to see that they are building fires and carrying oily rags around themselves. In the case of David Foster Wallace, the fire was perhaps strong, and not of his making, and hence he joined the ranks of those leaping from the Trade Centers seven years ago, taking his life. Some times, those who make willpower and imagination their strongest suit, still cannot find the next line to write beyond self annihilation. So it goes...I kept turning back to look over at Mike and Joe and the whiskey glasses which my liver declined, save one butterscotch moment when I tried it. MIke from the I.E reading series was pouring out names of poets and their eras, Phyllis Walen,..Alice Notley, he said each name like he knows their mothers and it would be painful not to know them in a lived life.
Joe was writing them down, describing the bookstores of the library district in Mexico City brought back the yellow dusty smell of those places. He is someone who will get the books you recommend Mike. I think Mike understood that he was dropping names like a foreign earthworms into New American dirt. They will insinute their names and times into the vast mind of Joe and he will never forget your friendship Mike, I thought. Open hearts are good for open minds.
Earlier I had eaten a ham sandwich and sun chips, heart racing from just returning from a long drive. I had been at the co-op in the student union, in a nice buzz of a day. Just drank twig tea impulsively. I went in to get a coffee but got tea instead. I was going out to meet Scott for a moment and then off to meet Bassim for colloquial egyptian conversation practice. I heard 'Hi', and then Dr. Morreau stood there with a book on Personal Identity. I looked at the front cover and pointed at the title and said 'Haven't you figured that one out yet?' I felt high from his bizarre energy and sudden presence such as only someone who knows nothing of you can do when they want to know more. I am not so used to being approached. 'I am just getting some tea' I said and he sort of smirked and turned away. Not really polite, just like a ball in a pin-ball machine that hit another doinging red and white flashing light, and was gone.. I think once I had the tea I saw my new friend Henry who had shown me Darwish's "Why did you leave the horse alone?" a beautiful collection of arabic and english poems translated by Jeffrey Sacks and I just enjoyed that tea all the way to the end of my conversation with Bassim and then I called Joe right away, excited to have lived a whole hour entirely in Egyptian. And earlier this morning I had felt a pain in my stomach so severe that led me to tears, but when I loosened my pants I felt it subside and suddenly beseeching allah and llegba was unnecessary. You had made me a bagel with cream cheese and we haven't drunk coffee in days. You called me pretty and kissed me goodbye. I love mornings...I always feel sad to know we will spend the day apart, because your hand in mine is so true and you lift my hand to your lips, but I was so happy to see you sitting in the window sill, our rose tucked inside blooming two orange flowers with your care to protect it from the storm; the first evident feeling that rushed through me when I saw you with your Chilean author and your feet up on the bookshelf.
9/23/08
This impossible thing called "Everything"
Ahh she...Like lipstick and charcoal only human. Burned but still smouldering she seems to bite off the ends of conversation with inhuman teeth somewhere outside of both of us. I can say I felt clean when I walked into the house. You held the bottle of wine for dinner and I held myself like a bowl of water. I wasn't sure how gingerly to step but I knew that if anything I could watch you being snipped and sewn and hemmed and heartened over any substance offered almost. I can't write everything down once it becomes poetry it is because the depths of my feeling and experience are mine alone. This is the beauty of my excavations. Only Rula would grab my hand, hold it, and show me the heavy metal drill sculpture's on button. Digest that. Digest childhood feeling toward God. Digest. chiles relleno. Digest her entire family name. Arbaoon kusrhim alhiyamm. Their castles of tents. Digest warmth and alcohol. I woke with my liver feeling itself loudly. It was a pressure the size of one football. We had eaten an entire sweet perfect pizza with cold mugs of yuengling at Maria's in Hamilton, watching the Raven's game apparently but really we were just enjoying the pizza and Joe's memories of Towson state. Trying to slip that film into my mind I remember that I can't quite remember the whole story names and all...my liver really wanted peace...I have finally bought the amino acids I require to filter industrial toxins and I have the source of life powder. SOmetimes it seems like over nutrition is a possibility. I am not sure how much these aminos will do for my liver. Once I get health insurance I will have someone test liver function. Liver function tests for...you know...bilirubin(broken down blood cell excess) and albumin(proteins) and other indications of liver distress(mostly excess enzymes of sorts) I will sort this out slowly but see the link to liver function. Okay. I am a bit sluggish today due to...a big plate of life. I ate a bowl of yellow peppers with Braggs Amino soy, broccoli and brown rice...a pbj and banana on cinn raisen bagel. One coffee and two teas. One water. I need more liquids I suppose. Okay. I suppose I must go. I want to say everything. The talks and the meetings and the classes and the everything but the black keys are sucking my fingers in to a tight wrist and I feel a kiss calling me back up to Baltimore....
To the work that brings me to stop just short of the raw...sore edge so I can keep my secrets and my memories alive...
To the work that brings me to stop just short of the raw...sore edge so I can keep my secrets and my memories alive...
9/18/08
...new rites...by Emily Peterson
Alif) To face your demons you have to summon their fullest strength:
Clear everything out of your head. Draw a circle and go sit inside of it and psychically push every thing as hard as you can...
Now it is really all coming at you. So now you can face it. Saturn's power. Wear the color you would like to be after the battle is done.
Baa) To handle the fear of fear.
Let it absolutely drown you for as long as it wants to. Let it ring every bell on the way down through your spine and heart. Let it plunge you into a sense of utter destruction of all the matters. read everything you can about your worst fear. See your worst fear in everything and see how your fear is destroying everything in a self fulfilling prophecy. Stand back and watch the power of fear. See how fear makes the world what it is. Understand fear in every war-wracked city. Understand how you are like others who are afraid. Understand fear completely. Then when fear is done with you and you are done with fear. You can know fear and talk to fear whenever you want. Fear of fear will come but you will remember that you plumbed fear. Fear will remember that you saw into its depths. Those who love you will forgive your for being
fearful during your initiation.
taa) To cure
Take full control of the knowledge you absorb. Decide what you will decide and decide what you will not decide. Forgive yourself instantly. Let go of almost everything you can't take in.
thaa) To bring back passion.
Be silent for five minutes. Deny yourself three impulsive kisses. Put water on your body anywhere.
Clear everything out of your head. Draw a circle and go sit inside of it and psychically push every thing as hard as you can...
Now it is really all coming at you. So now you can face it. Saturn's power. Wear the color you would like to be after the battle is done.
Baa) To handle the fear of fear.
Let it absolutely drown you for as long as it wants to. Let it ring every bell on the way down through your spine and heart. Let it plunge you into a sense of utter destruction of all the matters. read everything you can about your worst fear. See your worst fear in everything and see how your fear is destroying everything in a self fulfilling prophecy. Stand back and watch the power of fear. See how fear makes the world what it is. Understand fear in every war-wracked city. Understand how you are like others who are afraid. Understand fear completely. Then when fear is done with you and you are done with fear. You can know fear and talk to fear whenever you want. Fear of fear will come but you will remember that you plumbed fear. Fear will remember that you saw into its depths. Those who love you will forgive your for being
fearful during your initiation.
taa) To cure
Take full control of the knowledge you absorb. Decide what you will decide and decide what you will not decide. Forgive yourself instantly. Let go of almost everything you can't take in.
thaa) To bring back passion.
Be silent for five minutes. Deny yourself three impulsive kisses. Put water on your body anywhere.
9/15/08
The chaos of desire and actuality--Why in is actually out.
September 6th, 2008 Reconstructions from calendars and scribbles in my mind
This is what I remember because this is what I took in consciously. Why? Because I focused on Saturday just now, and remembered that it was going to be a day with Jackson. However, but he ended up going to the beach. I felt crazy all day. I went to Sun and Earth, starving, but ended up eating a chicken sandwich(Mc...yes MICK...yes!!!Uggh) and later two candy bars in one minute. I was shoving down an insanity.I finished cleaning out the apartment while hurricane Gustav winds whirled the sky's coloring from gray to blue to sun and rain all in one sky. My head blistered with energy and anxiety the whole time. I was a black hole and a powerful force myself. I don't remember breakfast. I don't remember having any intentions about food. As much as I have hurt internally, as long as I have worried and thought, I didn't have the strength to reject bad nutrition or bad emotions. I got home and sort of crumpled onto the floor and your kindness eased my psychic pain. Later I felt peaceful.
September 7th, 2008
In reflection I wrote: I let my head fill with noise, noise of emotion, even panic, even worry. Though my hands kept feeling flesh...
I knew I wasn't doing massage work like I could if I silenced my feelings, but sometimes I am not ready to work with a person or their body, and my noise fills up their spaces. I am sorry.
That evening I drank water consciously-'Smart water' at Zelda's writing group at the Daily Grind. I was curious about low surface tension and ions from an article I had read earlier. You said you loved me when I got excited about carrot juice's low surface tension. I love you too Joe. The Tom Suiss factor theorized that ions cause water to have a low surface tension because it pulls apart the water molecules. I was happy to hear this idea because water with a low surface tension is absorbed better. And since carrot juice has low surface tension, this makes it really good for dehydrated people. A good day.
Full Disclosure on the good and bad of days. Desire is not meeting actuality for food consumption and good thought production. Like only a raving mad animal human can, I have been denying my better nature and flogging myself like a good Augustinian monk, a cicatrice of dog teeth around my thigh drips blood of sacrifice in my psyche, but my body has had free reign of it.
Negative: I have been drinking coffee, eating sugar, pizza all the time, meat indiscriminately and only rarely consuming beets. Why? There is a viciousness that grabs hold of me at least and refuses to remember the things that were learned. Even though I know that simple changes could bring peace to my body and mind in a matter of forty-eight hours, I patently refuse to change. I think I am addicted to somethings about life that are unnecessary and harmful. And since I have not bothered to catalogue the coffees, the mornings, the moments, the turmoil, the enjoyments of the past week I am in a state of undigested foulness. I look back and forth through the weeks like pages and I look at the journal of my memories and think one long scream.
Positive: I made a salad of beet greens, spinach, beet, tomato, corn, pepper jack, pepperoni, balsamic vinegar, black pepper while you cooked spicy marinara chicken over angel hair. I don't remember our conversation at the moment.
But because I still am choosing the bad for the simplest reasons that bring human beings together, I still have to be thoughtful more frequently. The company of nutritiousness and pleasant conviviality must be remembered and strong-armed into my life. Look at this mess!! This blog is now self pity instead of consciousness. What have I learned?!!!!
According to Dr. Walen of the BodyImage Center in Baltimore, people need to have cognitive therapy so that they can find better ways to handle their negative emotions, rather than eating. Now I carry TONS of negative emotions. I generally carry a lot of thoughts from working on other bodies, but I have been carrying plenty of my own lately. Also I am not sure that eating a pancake breakfast with bacon together constitutes hiding from relationship issues. I mean, we talk about everything! I think I have my own issues about creativity within a relationship. I mean, how to get massive balls rolling in my life that roll around in my head all the time. I am really good at remembering to encourage others, but I find that my poetry manuscript can bounce around from bag to car to shelf for weeks and even adding it to the 'list' helps little. Whatever creativity I am hiding in food consumption, let me learn to be manifesting constantly food thoughts, and emotions that help.
TTYL Emma P.
This is what I remember because this is what I took in consciously. Why? Because I focused on Saturday just now, and remembered that it was going to be a day with Jackson. However, but he ended up going to the beach. I felt crazy all day. I went to Sun and Earth, starving, but ended up eating a chicken sandwich(Mc...yes MICK...yes!!!Uggh) and later two candy bars in one minute. I was shoving down an insanity.I finished cleaning out the apartment while hurricane Gustav winds whirled the sky's coloring from gray to blue to sun and rain all in one sky. My head blistered with energy and anxiety the whole time. I was a black hole and a powerful force myself. I don't remember breakfast. I don't remember having any intentions about food. As much as I have hurt internally, as long as I have worried and thought, I didn't have the strength to reject bad nutrition or bad emotions. I got home and sort of crumpled onto the floor and your kindness eased my psychic pain. Later I felt peaceful.
September 7th, 2008
In reflection I wrote: I let my head fill with noise, noise of emotion, even panic, even worry. Though my hands kept feeling flesh...
I knew I wasn't doing massage work like I could if I silenced my feelings, but sometimes I am not ready to work with a person or their body, and my noise fills up their spaces. I am sorry.
That evening I drank water consciously-'Smart water' at Zelda's writing group at the Daily Grind. I was curious about low surface tension and ions from an article I had read earlier. You said you loved me when I got excited about carrot juice's low surface tension. I love you too Joe. The Tom Suiss factor theorized that ions cause water to have a low surface tension because it pulls apart the water molecules. I was happy to hear this idea because water with a low surface tension is absorbed better. And since carrot juice has low surface tension, this makes it really good for dehydrated people. A good day.
Full Disclosure on the good and bad of days. Desire is not meeting actuality for food consumption and good thought production. Like only a raving mad animal human can, I have been denying my better nature and flogging myself like a good Augustinian monk, a cicatrice of dog teeth around my thigh drips blood of sacrifice in my psyche, but my body has had free reign of it.
Negative: I have been drinking coffee, eating sugar, pizza all the time, meat indiscriminately and only rarely consuming beets. Why? There is a viciousness that grabs hold of me at least and refuses to remember the things that were learned. Even though I know that simple changes could bring peace to my body and mind in a matter of forty-eight hours, I patently refuse to change. I think I am addicted to somethings about life that are unnecessary and harmful. And since I have not bothered to catalogue the coffees, the mornings, the moments, the turmoil, the enjoyments of the past week I am in a state of undigested foulness. I look back and forth through the weeks like pages and I look at the journal of my memories and think one long scream.
Positive: I made a salad of beet greens, spinach, beet, tomato, corn, pepper jack, pepperoni, balsamic vinegar, black pepper while you cooked spicy marinara chicken over angel hair. I don't remember our conversation at the moment.
But because I still am choosing the bad for the simplest reasons that bring human beings together, I still have to be thoughtful more frequently. The company of nutritiousness and pleasant conviviality must be remembered and strong-armed into my life. Look at this mess!! This blog is now self pity instead of consciousness. What have I learned?!!!!
According to Dr. Walen of the BodyImage Center in Baltimore, people need to have cognitive therapy so that they can find better ways to handle their negative emotions, rather than eating. Now I carry TONS of negative emotions. I generally carry a lot of thoughts from working on other bodies, but I have been carrying plenty of my own lately. Also I am not sure that eating a pancake breakfast with bacon together constitutes hiding from relationship issues. I mean, we talk about everything! I think I have my own issues about creativity within a relationship. I mean, how to get massive balls rolling in my life that roll around in my head all the time. I am really good at remembering to encourage others, but I find that my poetry manuscript can bounce around from bag to car to shelf for weeks and even adding it to the 'list' helps little. Whatever creativity I am hiding in food consumption, let me learn to be manifesting constantly food thoughts, and emotions that help.
TTYL Emma P.
9/5/08
Conclusions are still hanging around...
So don't eat mindless chocolate, or do.
So don't eat blood of animals or "fine"
Eat food...everyday no matter what except it makes me tired
So I want to stop because stopping has energy
I long to stop driving and eating
I yearn to walk in my body as is..
I coffee, I chocolate kiss taste in my mouth,
I egg mushroom omelette kiss you bye
I feel hungover from endless thoughts and foods unknown
I ate eggs with lateness, mushrooms with hunger,
coffee with sugar and cream gone bad. You and I both were late
but you heard my voice and looked over your shoulder and knew I was there for you.
I counted up 3.41 and bought a gallon of gasoline
So don't eat blood of animals or "fine"
Eat food...everyday no matter what except it makes me tired
So I want to stop because stopping has energy
I long to stop driving and eating
I yearn to walk in my body as is..
I coffee, I chocolate kiss taste in my mouth,
I egg mushroom omelette kiss you bye
I feel hungover from endless thoughts and foods unknown
I ate eggs with lateness, mushrooms with hunger,
coffee with sugar and cream gone bad. You and I both were late
but you heard my voice and looked over your shoulder and knew I was there for you.
I counted up 3.41 and bought a gallon of gasoline
8/14/08
FASTCHOCOLATE GAMBLE HEARTACHE AND MORE...
My friends and faithful readers: It isn't everyday you think that a D&D non-player character is sexier than you...and everything you are not. But lately I have been indulging every fear and craving like an infant. Two truths have emerged. I am an emotional purist at the expense of other people and better thoughts, and I eat too much, and too emotionally whenever anyone provides their presence as my excuse. I will conclude this piece with solutions.
As a whining little baby girl, I have been eating chocolate bars this week. Just one a day: Hershey's with almonds, Mounds, Reese's fast break bars, you name it. I have done the swinging of the pendulum like a seasick sailor in the crows nest; where the heart finds itself jammed filled with sugar and confusion one minute and happy and excited the next and all the new tension is packed in the hold until landfall. Now a bland sense of urgent despair fills me. My emotions are out of control. I am buying scratch off tickets. I still buy fresh vegetables at least. What happened to me? What did I allow?
It all started when I went to the grocery store last Thursday, the seventh, to prepare for the great return of my sweet love which had my heart in a pitter-patter of anxious excitement all day. As I see it, when I bought the double stuff oreo cookies for Jackson, I thought that I could give myself permission for the expression of every possible gripe and emotional pitfall that exists. Little did I know this was the string attached. What ended up happening is that I permitted myself to go as crazy and emotionally unbalanced as I could imagine.
Welcome to the week of my undoing as a conscious eater!!!
I couldn't wait to cook the meal that brought me to my knees. And then to secretly put the blame squarely on my significant other so that I might battle him as though he is the understudy for my shadow. What a subtle mechanism of blame! To do something for someone else with the idea that it is a permission for your own strange mess to come out all over their life. No meal is worth that! There is nothing intrinsically wrong with preparing a dish of chicken and basil with tomato sauce and black and green beans to be served over basmati rice. It was the way the rest of the week unfolded after eating it that did me in and I can only say that I put a hefty dose of worry into the meal.
The next day we "woke up" and drank the coffee I had bought. Zeke's Tanzanian pea-berry. We both agreed that it was a weird bean. There goes 9 bucks. Free coffee in Joe's freezer to any takers. So I drank coffee. Happily, sort of. My thoughts were of celebration, of waking with my lover. I rushed off to work early, but happy. Let's face it. I had no sleep. I brought some celery and raw beets and raw green beans with stir fry on the side with me all the way over the Bay Bridge. It was great to eat that at work. I had a bit of disappointment with the chicken. I tasted the blood and felt regret.
But the buzz was still in me. Friday was the same chicken dinner again. We may not have left the house that evening. I can still see the overjoyed smile; you looking down into your thoughts as you collected the next sentence for the string coming out of your mind as you described the trip, This picture is preserved in the moment just before I let selfishness rip the image in one fell burst of me, me, me. I remember walking into the kitchen with stomach filled with tears earlier. Maybe I should have just cried for no reason. It would have made more sense honestly.
I think it was Saturday, the next morning that had me making a smoothie for breakfast,It was a nice attempt, and you drank some, but I was eating blueberry pancakes and bacon too. Again...I just let it pass. I rejected the idea of going to work and instead proceeded to start trouble deep down inside.
We found ourselves on a well lit stage with two arm chairs outside of a parking garage. A woman quietly said, I just want to know you better. The man said, no one can tell me that I shove anything down inside, no one, I am honest about my feelings. The woman believed the man, the man believed the woman. Later they ate gelatto and she bought more coffee. At night he wanted to go out and buy something for dinner. I was high and in the middle of a thought and you wanted to go...another stage was set....Together, gingerly, we prepared a meal of pasta and chicken and garlic and mushrooms and even some radishes. I ate a lot. I ate our meal of the delicate thoughts around food, and fear. Yours this time. Your hunger; a delicate urge that you grabbed like a rope whipping on a sheer cliff saving you from free-fall. Life suddenly extended a tendril and I must mention that I loved your fierceness as you eloquently expressed one potent feeling in many facets like a gem of sharp edges which cut my high and possessive frequency to a timid puttering with a knife on fat white mushrooms. I couldn't tell if I was enjoying the feeling of making a meal from little food; a poor man's talent; not a trade learned by suburban stomachs.
You explained that you were boiling in the pot like a lobster, loosing your appetite and letting yourself eat if you have the slightest urge for pretty much anything was vital. In other words; "failure to thrive" is not just something that happens to infants. Sometimes adults forget to eat, when they....become aliens in their bodies. After dinner, there was a successful roar of emotional duress running through my fear-hungry veins. An addict with a newly copped bag of narcotics, I had already busted through all civility, and availed myself of the next day's happiness, like a fast food store bathroom. I had fed myself difficulty to the point where my stomach ached. Your loving hands from behind my naked back, turned the achy points of stomach and muscle tension into a good night. At least we were delicious.
At this point on the 14th I have just eaten a bowl of raw broccoli, radish, avocado, sweet corn, red pepper with balsamic vinegar and black cracked pepper. Just coming to terms with the week has inspired a healthier meal. As I look back at the intervening days between that night and last night's bratwurst and wine/whine fest over a D&D character, I think to myself. No one should deny themselves a week of being a snot nosed baby who wants chocolate all day while they piss away the bank account of a rich love life if it brings this rewarding growing up feeling. No one should deny themselves the realization that they have only themselves to blame for not eating extremely delicious and nutritious food; so that they might thrive and be overjoyed with coming together once again around a table laden with simple understandings.
An incantation for mealtime.
What I am is here in this meal.
I offer this gift to body and soul
That goodness is taken in
and sweetness of life is returned
to all who share in the food
of being.
As a whining little baby girl, I have been eating chocolate bars this week. Just one a day: Hershey's with almonds, Mounds, Reese's fast break bars, you name it. I have done the swinging of the pendulum like a seasick sailor in the crows nest; where the heart finds itself jammed filled with sugar and confusion one minute and happy and excited the next and all the new tension is packed in the hold until landfall. Now a bland sense of urgent despair fills me. My emotions are out of control. I am buying scratch off tickets. I still buy fresh vegetables at least. What happened to me? What did I allow?
It all started when I went to the grocery store last Thursday, the seventh, to prepare for the great return of my sweet love which had my heart in a pitter-patter of anxious excitement all day. As I see it, when I bought the double stuff oreo cookies for Jackson, I thought that I could give myself permission for the expression of every possible gripe and emotional pitfall that exists. Little did I know this was the string attached. What ended up happening is that I permitted myself to go as crazy and emotionally unbalanced as I could imagine.
Welcome to the week of my undoing as a conscious eater!!!
I couldn't wait to cook the meal that brought me to my knees. And then to secretly put the blame squarely on my significant other so that I might battle him as though he is the understudy for my shadow. What a subtle mechanism of blame! To do something for someone else with the idea that it is a permission for your own strange mess to come out all over their life. No meal is worth that! There is nothing intrinsically wrong with preparing a dish of chicken and basil with tomato sauce and black and green beans to be served over basmati rice. It was the way the rest of the week unfolded after eating it that did me in and I can only say that I put a hefty dose of worry into the meal.
The next day we "woke up" and drank the coffee I had bought. Zeke's Tanzanian pea-berry. We both agreed that it was a weird bean. There goes 9 bucks. Free coffee in Joe's freezer to any takers. So I drank coffee. Happily, sort of. My thoughts were of celebration, of waking with my lover. I rushed off to work early, but happy. Let's face it. I had no sleep. I brought some celery and raw beets and raw green beans with stir fry on the side with me all the way over the Bay Bridge. It was great to eat that at work. I had a bit of disappointment with the chicken. I tasted the blood and felt regret.
But the buzz was still in me. Friday was the same chicken dinner again. We may not have left the house that evening. I can still see the overjoyed smile; you looking down into your thoughts as you collected the next sentence for the string coming out of your mind as you described the trip, This picture is preserved in the moment just before I let selfishness rip the image in one fell burst of me, me, me. I remember walking into the kitchen with stomach filled with tears earlier. Maybe I should have just cried for no reason. It would have made more sense honestly.
I think it was Saturday, the next morning that had me making a smoothie for breakfast,It was a nice attempt, and you drank some, but I was eating blueberry pancakes and bacon too. Again...I just let it pass. I rejected the idea of going to work and instead proceeded to start trouble deep down inside.
We found ourselves on a well lit stage with two arm chairs outside of a parking garage. A woman quietly said, I just want to know you better. The man said, no one can tell me that I shove anything down inside, no one, I am honest about my feelings. The woman believed the man, the man believed the woman. Later they ate gelatto and she bought more coffee. At night he wanted to go out and buy something for dinner. I was high and in the middle of a thought and you wanted to go...another stage was set....Together, gingerly, we prepared a meal of pasta and chicken and garlic and mushrooms and even some radishes. I ate a lot. I ate our meal of the delicate thoughts around food, and fear. Yours this time. Your hunger; a delicate urge that you grabbed like a rope whipping on a sheer cliff saving you from free-fall. Life suddenly extended a tendril and I must mention that I loved your fierceness as you eloquently expressed one potent feeling in many facets like a gem of sharp edges which cut my high and possessive frequency to a timid puttering with a knife on fat white mushrooms. I couldn't tell if I was enjoying the feeling of making a meal from little food; a poor man's talent; not a trade learned by suburban stomachs.
You explained that you were boiling in the pot like a lobster, loosing your appetite and letting yourself eat if you have the slightest urge for pretty much anything was vital. In other words; "failure to thrive" is not just something that happens to infants. Sometimes adults forget to eat, when they....become aliens in their bodies. After dinner, there was a successful roar of emotional duress running through my fear-hungry veins. An addict with a newly copped bag of narcotics, I had already busted through all civility, and availed myself of the next day's happiness, like a fast food store bathroom. I had fed myself difficulty to the point where my stomach ached. Your loving hands from behind my naked back, turned the achy points of stomach and muscle tension into a good night. At least we were delicious.
At this point on the 14th I have just eaten a bowl of raw broccoli, radish, avocado, sweet corn, red pepper with balsamic vinegar and black cracked pepper. Just coming to terms with the week has inspired a healthier meal. As I look back at the intervening days between that night and last night's bratwurst and wine/whine fest over a D&D character, I think to myself. No one should deny themselves a week of being a snot nosed baby who wants chocolate all day while they piss away the bank account of a rich love life if it brings this rewarding growing up feeling. No one should deny themselves the realization that they have only themselves to blame for not eating extremely delicious and nutritious food; so that they might thrive and be overjoyed with coming together once again around a table laden with simple understandings.
An incantation for mealtime.
What I am is here in this meal.
I offer this gift to body and soul
That goodness is taken in
and sweetness of life is returned
to all who share in the food
of being.
8/6/08
Long Days Journey Into night. I keep waking up...
I keep waking up with mad energy. Excepting the morning with the puffy eyes. I blame the lo mein from my second dinner on the fourth. Since I haven't posted in a few days due to water damage on my laptop, I will have to summarize the revelations from the past week.
Thursday The 31st.
Cherries
Papaya
grapefruit and orange
celery and strawberry flax seed oil
beet grees with organic tomato
radishes
cannell beans and artichoke hearts
and wheat crackers. I wolfed down the salty artichoke hearts with the beans on crackers. I felt full for the first time in a while. Although my diet was good. The feelings that I was having were of pleasure and compulsion in eating those crackers.
Friday August 1st.
WIthout the computer I debated checking my horoscope at astrologyzone.com with my phone. Now that I have updated my plan and I don't pay 5/month but I pay instead 1.99 per megabite(100pages) I feel less afraid of wasting money. I had a nervous morning but a really strong morning. The eclipse was coming!!!! I knew Joe was out in the mountains now. I had
cherries
papaya with lemon
I went out and put the laundry in the laundromat and headed to Okay foods. Chris at Okay foods(sans handlebar moustache) remembered me and my massage work(not a client) I bought
brown rice
dandelion root
milk thistle
brown rice miso paste
I made a soup when I got home of beets and celery and onion and added the miso after the soup was boiled. I really enjoyed the soup. I feel like I did a million things. I was reading about nutrients while I ate. I still have not been able to accept that food can be eaten without a secondary activity. I paused and had the soup. Maybe two bites and the book was back in my face.
Aug 2nd.
I did sauna therapy on an empty stomach
I ate a big ol' brown rice and beet green stirfry
But then I ate Spinach artichoke dip with crackers(of course I made the dip but I added a hint of mozerella and more beans.) I drank sparkling cider. I went to Karla's party and abstained from all toxins. But even still, the wheat crackers or something made my tummy hurt. I was full. too full.
August 3rd.
I woke up very late(1 in the afternoon)and drank 2 mugs of hot cider with dandelion root. I was thinking maybe the dandelion root was causing pain because it is the bile emulsifier I had been taking every day. I went and bought Lethicin on Monday and now that is what I have been using as a bile flow stimulant. As I drank the hot cider I thought about my day. I had planned on hanging with the Crespo's extended family, but as I sat there in the peace of my morning I realized that I was going to be heading to my first session of Bikram yoga at 4 over in Hamden. SO....I enjoyed that reality and made a phone call to apologize for not going down to Pasadena. I felt good knowing I had said no when appropriate. In fact. Realizing you can't do some crazy ass driving to please the demons of social graces and having a sense about time are all very important elements to ingest. I only ate l ear of corn for dinner while writing a story about Mexico which I shared with Zelda's Inferno that ended up at Frazier's in Hamden. We had to have them turn up the lights, turn down the AC and I forget if we didn't bug them about the music. I was really into the story I was writing. The night was pleasant. I went home and read all three volumes of the Zeldazine and remembered why I like MIke Munro's poems. WHo the hell is Mike Munro? I mean, I know WHO he is, but WHo is he?
Nevermind.
As I went to sleep, tired, I felt good and empty in my stomach.
I woke EARly to a phone call from ALice.
I ate a bowl of oatmeal and blueberries and bananas talking with Anna and Maria from Spain. My stomach didn't hurt. I also had another Odwalla juice :) Alice gives out the old Odwalla juices, I had the Antioxidants.
After a long talk and some grapes off the the vine my mouth was a little burnt from the grape skin. I was actually very tired.
I bought the lethicin and flax and quinoa crackers
I ate rice
beets and boca meatless sausage(mmm but look 2% or less wheat and egg. I dunno...gobble..gobble
and some more flax crackers. and some more flax crackers
and I went to the Crespos's where I slept and ate the lo mein. I ate two oreos okay four. The Chocolate goodness!!!!
I felt like I was maybe allowing too much to enter me because it is offered by others. I mean. I picked the pork out of the lo mein and the chicken off of the rice. but I didn't need a second dinner. I didn't need to accept. Even JOe's father said, "don't over do it"
I took home the pickled beets Joe's mother offered me. She doesn't like beets. So I have more liver food.
I went to sleep after busying around planning for the next day's house cleanse(I'm moving back to Baltimore)
I also realized I can text to Mexico. GOd knows how much that costs.
I felt full and ickly. I knew that the next start slow.
August 5th.
long run in quiet waters
Protein beet shake with Apple and blackberry
lethicin
i massage at Swann Cove Feeling Extra tired!!!
miso soup with green onion and spinach carrot and radish and green beans
flax quinoa crackers with peanut butter(a whole lot)
FOur TBSP of old ice cream. Why? Cuz. SO what I said to myself, so what.
a whole chocolate almond bar!!! I needed the energy to pack all my books which I did. I also felt the soreness and swelling of pms. I am pleased that my hormones are being synthesized in my liver.
Drank Xloads of water
August sixth. (Today)
I woke up 6 and half hours later
I woke up hungry and was pleased.
I ate a beet protein smoothie and lethicin while on the phone with answering machines and computers. OOOps
I have to learn not to do that.
Still feeling tired though...hmmm......
Okay...now that I have documented a week's worth of observations and experiences I have to point out that I have been very successful and also that I have made a few slip ups. Here is the news and the reviews.
I dont think I needed to add the ice cream or the canelli beans(not easy to digest.) Stay with Garbanzoes and add broccoli sprouts. Beet greens taste so bitter and usually my stomach hurts afterward. Stick to spinach and add bok choy. No need for the chocolate em. The ice cream gave you gas and you know it. Don't ever eat a second dinner. Especially not lo mein salty goodness unless it is made with rice noodles which are hypoallergenic(no wheat) I am avoiding wheat. I think the sugar made me super tired. I dont know though. I didn't feel this way when sugar wasn't in me. THink about it. The two days when I consumed sugar I felt like this the next day. Experiment time!!! No sugar for the next two days.
Okay.....
Thursday The 31st.
Cherries
Papaya
grapefruit and orange
celery and strawberry flax seed oil
beet grees with organic tomato
radishes
cannell beans and artichoke hearts
and wheat crackers. I wolfed down the salty artichoke hearts with the beans on crackers. I felt full for the first time in a while. Although my diet was good. The feelings that I was having were of pleasure and compulsion in eating those crackers.
Friday August 1st.
WIthout the computer I debated checking my horoscope at astrologyzone.com with my phone. Now that I have updated my plan and I don't pay 5/month but I pay instead 1.99 per megabite(100pages) I feel less afraid of wasting money. I had a nervous morning but a really strong morning. The eclipse was coming!!!! I knew Joe was out in the mountains now. I had
cherries
papaya with lemon
I went out and put the laundry in the laundromat and headed to Okay foods. Chris at Okay foods(sans handlebar moustache) remembered me and my massage work(not a client) I bought
brown rice
dandelion root
milk thistle
brown rice miso paste
I made a soup when I got home of beets and celery and onion and added the miso after the soup was boiled. I really enjoyed the soup. I feel like I did a million things. I was reading about nutrients while I ate. I still have not been able to accept that food can be eaten without a secondary activity. I paused and had the soup. Maybe two bites and the book was back in my face.
Aug 2nd.
I did sauna therapy on an empty stomach
I ate a big ol' brown rice and beet green stirfry
But then I ate Spinach artichoke dip with crackers(of course I made the dip but I added a hint of mozerella and more beans.) I drank sparkling cider. I went to Karla's party and abstained from all toxins. But even still, the wheat crackers or something made my tummy hurt. I was full. too full.
August 3rd.
I woke up very late(1 in the afternoon)and drank 2 mugs of hot cider with dandelion root. I was thinking maybe the dandelion root was causing pain because it is the bile emulsifier I had been taking every day. I went and bought Lethicin on Monday and now that is what I have been using as a bile flow stimulant. As I drank the hot cider I thought about my day. I had planned on hanging with the Crespo's extended family, but as I sat there in the peace of my morning I realized that I was going to be heading to my first session of Bikram yoga at 4 over in Hamden. SO....I enjoyed that reality and made a phone call to apologize for not going down to Pasadena. I felt good knowing I had said no when appropriate. In fact. Realizing you can't do some crazy ass driving to please the demons of social graces and having a sense about time are all very important elements to ingest. I only ate l ear of corn for dinner while writing a story about Mexico which I shared with Zelda's Inferno that ended up at Frazier's in Hamden. We had to have them turn up the lights, turn down the AC and I forget if we didn't bug them about the music. I was really into the story I was writing. The night was pleasant. I went home and read all three volumes of the Zeldazine and remembered why I like MIke Munro's poems. WHo the hell is Mike Munro? I mean, I know WHO he is, but WHo is he?
Nevermind.
As I went to sleep, tired, I felt good and empty in my stomach.
I woke EARly to a phone call from ALice.
I ate a bowl of oatmeal and blueberries and bananas talking with Anna and Maria from Spain. My stomach didn't hurt. I also had another Odwalla juice :) Alice gives out the old Odwalla juices, I had the Antioxidants.
After a long talk and some grapes off the the vine my mouth was a little burnt from the grape skin. I was actually very tired.
I bought the lethicin and flax and quinoa crackers
I ate rice
beets and boca meatless sausage(mmm but look 2% or less wheat and egg. I dunno...gobble..gobble
and some more flax crackers. and some more flax crackers
and I went to the Crespos's where I slept and ate the lo mein. I ate two oreos okay four. The Chocolate goodness!!!!
I felt like I was maybe allowing too much to enter me because it is offered by others. I mean. I picked the pork out of the lo mein and the chicken off of the rice. but I didn't need a second dinner. I didn't need to accept. Even JOe's father said, "don't over do it"
I took home the pickled beets Joe's mother offered me. She doesn't like beets. So I have more liver food.
I went to sleep after busying around planning for the next day's house cleanse(I'm moving back to Baltimore)
I also realized I can text to Mexico. GOd knows how much that costs.
I felt full and ickly. I knew that the next start slow.
August 5th.
long run in quiet waters
Protein beet shake with Apple and blackberry
lethicin
i massage at Swann Cove Feeling Extra tired!!!
miso soup with green onion and spinach carrot and radish and green beans
flax quinoa crackers with peanut butter(a whole lot)
FOur TBSP of old ice cream. Why? Cuz. SO what I said to myself, so what.
a whole chocolate almond bar!!! I needed the energy to pack all my books which I did. I also felt the soreness and swelling of pms. I am pleased that my hormones are being synthesized in my liver.
Drank Xloads of water
August sixth. (Today)
I woke up 6 and half hours later
I woke up hungry and was pleased.
I ate a beet protein smoothie and lethicin while on the phone with answering machines and computers. OOOps
I have to learn not to do that.
Still feeling tired though...hmmm......
Okay...now that I have documented a week's worth of observations and experiences I have to point out that I have been very successful and also that I have made a few slip ups. Here is the news and the reviews.
I dont think I needed to add the ice cream or the canelli beans(not easy to digest.) Stay with Garbanzoes and add broccoli sprouts. Beet greens taste so bitter and usually my stomach hurts afterward. Stick to spinach and add bok choy. No need for the chocolate em. The ice cream gave you gas and you know it. Don't ever eat a second dinner. Especially not lo mein salty goodness unless it is made with rice noodles which are hypoallergenic(no wheat) I am avoiding wheat. I think the sugar made me super tired. I dont know though. I didn't feel this way when sugar wasn't in me. THink about it. The two days when I consumed sugar I felt like this the next day. Experiment time!!! No sugar for the next two days.
Okay.....
7/30/08
Radish and Meditation
So I ate today:
Olive oil, radishes beautiful red outsides with crisp white insides, stirfried in garlic and ginger and topped with strawberry flavored flax seed oil. If my gallbladder would like its job back, I am now hiring.
One gallbladder willing to aid in the digestion of:
healthy oils
experience emulsifying fats required
confidence in working well with livers
able to maintain adequate bile flow
able to stimulate the release of other necessary digestive enzymes as necessary
capable of working with toxins excreted from the liver.
I mediatated on letting past bitterness and disappointment leave my body to make room for self-love and optimism. I drank olive oil and lemon and went to bed. Nothing significant seemed to pass from me physically but I feel happier today. I decided to eat radishes and again I mediatated on the same thoughts of letting bittterness go, and letting optimism in. I savored the flavors and I closed my eyes, chewing slowly. I imagined my gallbladder working properly.
Although the raw pain from Saturday night has not returned, I know that a huge imbalance in the amount of Estrogen in my body from coming off of the MIRENA I.U.D. may have been to blame. The body often reacts to losing the fake hormones by producing a veritable shit-ton. And...often Estrogen imbalances cause gallstones. I have to say I saw it in the warning labels. Why does this happen? See the linked scholarly article. The nuclei of gallbladder cells have receptor sites for hormones related to reproduction. It makes sense. The breakdown of fats will be affected by pregnancy. So.....too much estrogen may affect an overabundance of unused bile that ends up hanging around and creating particulates. Perhaps the particulates aggregate eh? So one must USE THE BILE!!! It is not the first time I realized things can happen to me. God. I am still amazed by people rushing off to try new brain chemistry altering drugs. They must know that the effects are all quite unknown. What I would like to know is...how can one stabilize the gallbladder and cause stones to dissolve? I have to say that I have alot of faith in this method. My real feelings are optimistic. Eating the radishes I felt a warm sensation in my stomach and I am hoping that the olive oil and flax seed oil are going to stimulate a little healthy action. The "malpasos" or improper eating habits will be replaced by an even greater consciousness of intake. My stomach is now asking for more food, or at least I can feel movement and warmth. I will conceive of more food to help the liver and the gallbladder. The two are intimately connected and I have no desire to ruin such a relationship. The poor liver must also have enjoyed the two and a half day apple juice fast. Toxins in the liver go into the gall-bladder. SO....I have to feed the liver properly so it can give the gall-bladder a break.
I may just stay on the cleanse and only eat a few vegetables with light fats for a week. I don't want to go back to full fledged eating whatever, I have to bring in good healthiness every moment...and in every way...Obsessed much? I can slip up and read horoscopes only if i don't take them too seriously.
To clean livers!
Olive oil, radishes beautiful red outsides with crisp white insides, stirfried in garlic and ginger and topped with strawberry flavored flax seed oil. If my gallbladder would like its job back, I am now hiring.
One gallbladder willing to aid in the digestion of:
healthy oils
experience emulsifying fats required
confidence in working well with livers
able to maintain adequate bile flow
able to stimulate the release of other necessary digestive enzymes as necessary
capable of working with toxins excreted from the liver.
I mediatated on letting past bitterness and disappointment leave my body to make room for self-love and optimism. I drank olive oil and lemon and went to bed. Nothing significant seemed to pass from me physically but I feel happier today. I decided to eat radishes and again I mediatated on the same thoughts of letting bittterness go, and letting optimism in. I savored the flavors and I closed my eyes, chewing slowly. I imagined my gallbladder working properly.
Although the raw pain from Saturday night has not returned, I know that a huge imbalance in the amount of Estrogen in my body from coming off of the MIRENA I.U.D. may have been to blame. The body often reacts to losing the fake hormones by producing a veritable shit-ton. And...often Estrogen imbalances cause gallstones. I have to say I saw it in the warning labels. Why does this happen? See the linked scholarly article. The nuclei of gallbladder cells have receptor sites for hormones related to reproduction. It makes sense. The breakdown of fats will be affected by pregnancy. So.....too much estrogen may affect an overabundance of unused bile that ends up hanging around and creating particulates. Perhaps the particulates aggregate eh? So one must USE THE BILE!!! It is not the first time I realized things can happen to me. God. I am still amazed by people rushing off to try new brain chemistry altering drugs. They must know that the effects are all quite unknown. What I would like to know is...how can one stabilize the gallbladder and cause stones to dissolve? I have to say that I have alot of faith in this method. My real feelings are optimistic. Eating the radishes I felt a warm sensation in my stomach and I am hoping that the olive oil and flax seed oil are going to stimulate a little healthy action. The "malpasos" or improper eating habits will be replaced by an even greater consciousness of intake. My stomach is now asking for more food, or at least I can feel movement and warmth. I will conceive of more food to help the liver and the gallbladder. The two are intimately connected and I have no desire to ruin such a relationship. The poor liver must also have enjoyed the two and a half day apple juice fast. Toxins in the liver go into the gall-bladder. SO....I have to feed the liver properly so it can give the gall-bladder a break.
I may just stay on the cleanse and only eat a few vegetables with light fats for a week. I don't want to go back to full fledged eating whatever, I have to bring in good healthiness every moment...and in every way...Obsessed much? I can slip up and read horoscopes only if i don't take them too seriously.
To clean livers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)